Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it.

Dad and I had donuts and coffee with Uncle Joe and Auntie Isabel at Amy’s Donuts on Whipple Road at 9:00am this morning.  Then at 10:00am we went to the dining table at the club house.  At 11:30am we had lunch at Yanni’s Café at the Hayward Auto Auction.  Got gas.  (Dad drove his car).  Went to the dollar store.  Bill came over and screamed at us for not thinking about giving our recliner to him instead of just giving it to the Salvation Army.  Dad continues to tell me not talk and just be quiet.  Is this really my life?  I spend every single minute catering to this guy, but I am not allowed to have any life for myself.  Not even to speak.  Six long years of silence.  I feel empty inside.  I feel invisible.  I feel non-existent.  Do you think each day these are the things that “I” want to do.  Absolutely, no.  I quietly go along.  The only thing I do is eat.  Stuff my feelings deep down inside.  Would I dare to be healthy now?  Absolutely no.  If I felt too healthy, living this life would be 100% intolerable.  Feeling sluggish, makes living a sluggish life doable.  Do I complain too much?  Yes.  Sometimes just getting my feelings out, makes it more bearable.  Why do it in a public forum?  Why not complain in a private journal?  Perhaps, I am not the only one who feels this way.  Some days are better than others.  It doesn’t mean that these days are not real also.  Sometimes I think more clearly by letting myself rant.  We shall see how today goes.  Constantly being told to shut up does not work for me.  Who could it possibly work for.  I live with a negative person.   I know that going off by myself is the healthiest thing for me.  Thank goodness Bill is back.  I’m turning dad back over to Bill.  lol  It’s all good.  Felt good just to be honest and say how I feel.  My happiness is my responsibility.  Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, so I’m happier already!

 

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